I actually kinda hate Florida

Cheers from sunny Orlando, Readers. I’m here for our industry’s second largest convention, basically we spend a week drinking, sucking up (or “schmoozing”, if you will) and watching movies. Good times. I was going to partake of Disney’s Animal Kingdom today. However, after being up for close to 36 hours -  naps on planes do not count as actually human sleep – I ended up in bed till Noon. Spent two hours (TWO HOURS!) in the gym, then enjoyed college football (poor Minnesota), lunch and reading poolside. This ONE day is as close to a vacation as I’m getting until sometime next year…if I’m lucky. I am going to Vegas in less than two weeks, that’s not vacation, drunken debauchery is a full-time job. Which I take seriously, thankyouverymuch. Tonight will be baseball and some Longhorn football in the hotel sports bar (which is quite nice) or a trip to Tampa for the Lightning/Sabres game. We shall see.

I'm a fan of the malfeasance fantasy football league

Anyhow, please don’t misconstrue this as blatant ass kissing, but I believe Kissing Suzy Kolber is one of the most badassest football blogs on the webternet. If you disagree with me you’re a humorless moron or Communist. Take your pick. I can appreciate a hot lady and dick jokes just as much as most. It comes with being an obsesser of football. Much like the acquired taste for beer I picked up about two years ago. Co-founder Michael Tunison penned a novel,  “The Football Fan’s Manifesto“. And if you fancy yourself a die-hard fan of all things gridiron and actually, you know, READ…books, not just blogs/stats/bullshit on the internet, you should pick it up toute suite. Actually, even if that is all you read you should pick it up. Cause it kinda makes fun of you. Thought you should know that.

I laughed many a times while reading this book, enough to make fellow morning gym rats question my mental stability. But they frighten me for different reasons, so I’m okay with that. Tunsion breaks down every single aspect of being a one-track minded football fan. I never thought I’d find myself reading a thought-out analysis of the various forms of high-fives. But that happened. I would say his pokes at Cowboys fans tarnished my amusement, but 1. he’s right and 2. I’m used to it.

Highlights for me were his ground rules for female fans (his anti-pink jersey stance that I totally effing agree with and already discussed here), the “Letter to Brian Westbrook Regarding His Questionable Playing Status for Sunday”, the detailed hatred for bandwagon fans and the consistent and accurate profiling of Eagles fans and their evilness.  Thus, I leave you with my favorite passage:

There are some stadia, stadia located in certain cities in the southeast corner of Pennsylvania, where it is unadvisable to root for the visiting team. Not that it’s necessarily bad form, but because you’ll be left for dead in a portable toilet and rolled down a hill.

It’s funny because it’s true. Not that I have or will ever try to find out for certain. I like taking risks, but I’m not retarded. I would have to lose a bet to the Devil himself to even think about going to a game in Philly. And I’ve been told even if I wore not a single thread of silver or blue, my “Cowboys accent” would give me away.

Pink jerseys make the baby jesus sad

Ladies, lose the pink jerseys…unless you’re 12. Then it’s somewhat acceptable (unless you’re my imaginary future child). I’m down with the pink accessories, I have both pink Cowboys and Longhorns caps. I approve because those caps better coordinate with the majority of my wardrobe. And to be honest, while digging around for this post, I found a pink and white striped Cowboys scarf that I like and proceeds (as with a lot of pink product right now) goes to breast cancer funds. THAT is most acceptable and I applaud the efforts of the NFL.

However, the jersey is sacred. You wouldn’t wake up on Fourth of July and wave a pink and white striped American flag NOW WOULD YOU? You think you’re being cute. It’s just annoying. (See: Jessica Simpson, 2007). Michael Tunison from KSK, author of “The Football Fan’s Manifesto“, which I’m reading right now, agrees with me and even suggests dudes avoid the intra-fandom dalliance with girls sporting pink jerseys. Why? Because you look like a moron. Just saying. Not that you’d really want to hook up with one of the fratdouches you meet at sports bars, but let’s not limit options or ruin chances. It’s called preparedness.

Not only that, but also there are quite a few ladies – myself included – who spend a great deal of effort trying to be taken seriously as legitimate football fans. These blasted pink jerseys aren’t helping the cause. If I touched a pink jersey it would negate the four seasons of serious fantasy football I’ve put in.

I’m not retarded, I’m fully aware this was yet another ploy by the money grubbing NFL to add to their jillions of dollars. And unfortunately for all of us, it worked. Hockey tried it for a while…but much like anything hockey does, it failed. But that’s mainly because Gary Bettman is made from the seeds of epic fail. Anyhow, have you ever taken a look a the variety of officially licensed shit there is out there for your team o’ choice? Like seriously taken a look. Because I have. I swear to god I saw a Cowboys onion chopper at a Texas gift store in Grapevine Mills one time. Good luck getting it to produce positive results after Thanksgiving. (Ha! GET IT?!)

I had to share some of the ubershit (and of course commentary about said ubershit) I found online last night while shopping for a normal Cowboys sweatshirt. This craptacular crap is from both the NFL Shop and the official Cowboys shop.

..Continue reading..