I actually kinda hate Florida

Cheers from sunny Orlando, Readers. I’m here for our industry’s second largest convention, basically we spend a week drinking, sucking up (or “schmoozing”, if you will) and watching movies. Good times. I was going to partake of Disney’s Animal Kingdom today. However, after being up for close to 36 hours -  naps on planes do not count as actually human sleep – I ended up in bed till Noon. Spent two hours (TWO HOURS!) in the gym, then enjoyed college football (poor Minnesota), lunch and reading poolside. This ONE day is as close to a vacation as I’m getting until sometime next year…if I’m lucky. I am going to Vegas in less than two weeks, that’s not vacation, drunken debauchery is a full-time job. Which I take seriously, thankyouverymuch. Tonight will be baseball and some Longhorn football in the hotel sports bar (which is quite nice) or a trip to Tampa for the Lightning/Sabres game. We shall see.

I'm a fan of the malfeasance fantasy football league

Anyhow, please don’t misconstrue this as blatant ass kissing, but I believe Kissing Suzy Kolber is one of the most badassest football blogs on the webternet. If you disagree with me you’re a humorless moron or Communist. Take your pick. I can appreciate a hot lady and dick jokes just as much as most. It comes with being an obsesser of football. Much like the acquired taste for beer I picked up about two years ago. Co-founder Michael Tunison penned a novel,  “The Football Fan’s Manifesto“. And if you fancy yourself a die-hard fan of all things gridiron and actually, you know, READ…books, not just blogs/stats/bullshit on the internet, you should pick it up toute suite. Actually, even if that is all you read you should pick it up. Cause it kinda makes fun of you. Thought you should know that.

I laughed many a times while reading this book, enough to make fellow morning gym rats question my mental stability. But they frighten me for different reasons, so I’m okay with that. Tunsion breaks down every single aspect of being a one-track minded football fan. I never thought I’d find myself reading a thought-out analysis of the various forms of high-fives. But that happened. I would say his pokes at Cowboys fans tarnished my amusement, but 1. he’s right and 2. I’m used to it.

Highlights for me were his ground rules for female fans (his anti-pink jersey stance that I totally effing agree with and already discussed here), the “Letter to Brian Westbrook Regarding His Questionable Playing Status for Sunday”, the detailed hatred for bandwagon fans and the consistent and accurate profiling of Eagles fans and their evilness.  Thus, I leave you with my favorite passage:

There are some stadia, stadia located in certain cities in the southeast corner of Pennsylvania, where it is unadvisable to root for the visiting team. Not that it’s necessarily bad form, but because you’ll be left for dead in a portable toilet and rolled down a hill.

It’s funny because it’s true. Not that I have or will ever try to find out for certain. I like taking risks, but I’m not retarded. I would have to lose a bet to the Devil himself to even think about going to a game in Philly. And I’ve been told even if I wore not a single thread of silver or blue, my “Cowboys accent” would give me away.

Pink jerseys make the baby jesus sad

Ladies, lose the pink jerseys…unless you’re 12. Then it’s somewhat acceptable (unless you’re my imaginary future child). I’m down with the pink accessories, I have both pink Cowboys and Longhorns caps. I approve because those caps better coordinate with the majority of my wardrobe. And to be honest, while digging around for this post, I found a pink and white striped Cowboys scarf that I like and proceeds (as with a lot of pink product right now) goes to breast cancer funds. THAT is most acceptable and I applaud the efforts of the NFL.

However, the jersey is sacred. You wouldn’t wake up on Fourth of July and wave a pink and white striped American flag NOW WOULD YOU? You think you’re being cute. It’s just annoying. (See: Jessica Simpson, 2007). Michael Tunison from KSK, author of “The Football Fan’s Manifesto“, which I’m reading right now, agrees with me and even suggests dudes avoid the intra-fandom dalliance with girls sporting pink jerseys. Why? Because you look like a moron. Just saying. Not that you’d really want to hook up with one of the fratdouches you meet at sports bars, but let’s not limit options or ruin chances. It’s called preparedness.

Not only that, but also there are quite a few ladies – myself included – who spend a great deal of effort trying to be taken seriously as legitimate football fans. These blasted pink jerseys aren’t helping the cause. If I touched a pink jersey it would negate the four seasons of serious fantasy football I’ve put in.

I’m not retarded, I’m fully aware this was yet another ploy by the money grubbing NFL to add to their jillions of dollars. And unfortunately for all of us, it worked. Hockey tried it for a while…but much like anything hockey does, it failed. But that’s mainly because Gary Bettman is made from the seeds of epic fail. Anyhow, have you ever taken a look a the variety of officially licensed shit there is out there for your team o’ choice? Like seriously taken a look. Because I have. I swear to god I saw a Cowboys onion chopper at a Texas gift store in Grapevine Mills one time. Good luck getting it to produce positive results after Thanksgiving. (Ha! GET IT?!)

I had to share some of the ubershit (and of course commentary about said ubershit) I found online last night while shopping for a normal Cowboys sweatshirt. This craptacular crap is from both the NFL Shop and the official Cowboys shop.

..Continue reading..

Fantasy draft in 14 hours! My shit’s all in order just in case I’m only half coherent in the morning. I’m nervous though…I told someone today it’s like the first day of school, you just want to get there, get it over with and find out who is your damn class. You’re all please don’t let me be stuck next to guy who smells like baked beans all year. You know what I mean, Vern? Anyhow, I’m not sure which I want more: to win my league (finally) or to beat my friend Ray.  I’m gonna be greed city and go with both.

Obviously I visit loads of sports sites on a daily (hourly?) basis. I only comment on a few sites/forums just because I’m too lazy to get into it with people. I rarely have patience for morons, which is odd because I comment at KSK the most.  I find that talking about sports, especially football, ranks up there with religion and politics. The only difference for me personally is I can keep my mouth shut when it comes to the last two. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t try to keep up on current affairs and am open-minded about other choices and opinions that differ from my own. And I believe, if you fancy yourself a true fan or connoisseur of a sport, you should attempt to do the same.

I won’t go into specifics, but the other day someone on a Cowboys “forum” I frequent posted an update about Brett Favre’s inability to gel in the Vikings locker room. I read it, thought it was interesting (but didn’t really find it surprising, nor should anyone). Someone responded along the lines of he didn’t care about Favre or the Vikings, he only cared about the Cowboys. My first response was “crimeny, what a typical American ass-hole.” A bit of an unfair statement? Perhaps. A little true? Seriously. That’s a minor example of why Cowboys fans have such a bad rep.

I’m not saying you should be interested in every single team in the league and know every player’s dog’s name. Just saying you should probably look around. Playing fantasy you obviously HAVE to. However, being up-to-speed on what’s going on in the league, your conference and DEFINITELY your division doesn’t hurt. You don’t who you could face in the playoffs, the conference championship or the Super Bowl. No matter how asinine it is, the Vikings are picked to get far this year, if not all the way (lame), by a lot of talking heads; they’re in the NFC and we play them the last pre-season game. So in a lot of ways, it does have to do with the Cowboys. Maybe I’m just being a nerd, I don’t know. OR maybe I don’t like sounding like a retard.

I have to admit though, as open-minded as I am about religions and politics, some things I won’t budge on…like my opinion (the FACT!) that all Eagles fans are dicks.

My favorite quote from the interweb so far today?

Does anyone know where TO is selling his “iCUT” t-shirts? Anyone?

Thank you, Animal Mother, from KSK. That made me giggle.

Peace out, Eight-One, it's been real

I am not familiar with the notion of “ask and ye shall receive”, so bear with my twitterpation at T.O. being released. When I said the other day I wanted to give him away for my birthday, er…I didn’t think they’d actually do it, and do it  ON my birthday. I should’ve asterixed that bitch with “and re-sign Miles Austin in the process.” For serious.

I was at my birthday dinner at Beso last night when the first text came in. I almost made a damn scene. Which is hysterical given the fact they were filming the very last episode of The Hills. Lauren Conrad and Brody Jenner were 15 feet in front of us. So if you see some fool of a girl in a pink jacket in the background screaming “OH MY GOD THEY ACTUALLY DID IT” at some point? Totally me. And you can be cool and be like “and I know what’s she’s talking about!” This morning, I laid in bed and watched SportsCenter for an hour. Sorry dogs, I know you need to eat…but Ed Werder is back in Valley Ranch. Must Watch. All Of It. Six Times. These fools on ESPN are no better than Access Hollywood. But can I stop watching it? No. It’s like Britney shaved her head all over again, except I actually give a crap about this.

This is my favorite, “stay tuned to find out the real story behind T.O.’s release.” Okay really? I’m sorry, but if I’m living, breathing and watching SportsCenter at 7 O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING, I know why the frick it happened.

I love that all the draft monkeys now think we’ll go for a wideout with our first pick (2nd round). I’m no expert, I’m just a fan, both a monetary and emotional investor, if you will…and I believe we have bigger concerns. Especially after the loss of Canty, the Kitna trade and cutting Pacman and SS Roy Williams (both well deserved). The focus should be on the o-line and the secondary.  I’m fine with fielding what we got. Make WR Roy Williams the starter and see which kid steps up in training camp as a #2. Everyone is throwing T.O.’s stats around today and yelling about how the other WRs barely produce for what he did/can. I don’t give a rat’s ass. Not after what he did to the locker room…cause the last time I checked, that wasn’t us in the Super Bowl. Therefore, stats mean jack. And I bet we might be surprised when the wealth is spread around the field, not only to handful of capable wideouts (not just focusing on one crack smoker) but also to two very capable TEs. I’m more stressed about playing fantasy baseball for the first time than I am what the Cowboys are going to do at wide receiver. It was time to clean house and for once, Jerry listened to real, educated people and did what needed to be done.

I highly suggest whoever signs him does so for two years, we all know by now what happens towards the end of the second and definitely during the third, if things aren’t going well or as planned out by the voices in his head. My gut tells me Oakland. Cause everyone likes when a plane crash falls on top of a train wreck.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving in the United States of America, which for me has forever meant lots of food and football. Apparently now it also means having a wicked hangover and praying death wouldn’t officially take me until the Cowboys game was over. Only the Lions were more miserable. Having actually survived, I decided it was time for me to write Things I’m Grateful For: The Football Version.

Tony Romo’s healed pinkie finger. Or at least that he decided to stop being a pussy about it. Looking ahead…Dear Santa, we need a better back-up QB.

My fantasy team. As mentioned in a previous post, I’m the only girl in a league of 16 teams. I’ve bounced back and forth between 2nd and 3rd place all year, currently in 3rd with a playoff spot secured. Taking a chance on Rodgers paid off, drafting Palmer did not. Picking up Slaton was my best move, but I should’ve had a better defense. Anyhow, I shall be even more grateful should I kick Ray’s ass this weekend.

The guy who proposed to me on KSK.

@Nikki

Okay let me get this straight. You live in California, root for the Cowboys and have a passionate hatred for the Eagles.

Will you marry me?

Speaking of which…

Sitting on top of the Eagles in the division. It feels so good. I hope we kick them while they’re down come Dec. 28. What I’m not grateful for? Having to root for the Giants to win this week against the Redskins. That doesn’t feel good at all, makes me feel dirty (not in a good way). But it’s a necessary evil, because come the end of the year it won’t matter who we’re on top of without a wild card spot. I’m not retarded.

My 2008 training camp shirt

What this season has meant to me. Not to get all sappy, but this season has been a blast so far…despite Brad Johnson and those atrocious three weeks. Training camp in Oxnard, discovering the Cowboys group here in LA, fantasy season, hanging out at the sports bars on Sundays, starting this blog…next to my friends, football season has been a saving grace in an otherwise extremely shitty year. And yesterday was the first major holiday I’ve spent with absolutely no biological family, but the Cowboys were still on my TV…that’s a little piece of home for me. Thank you, Tex Schram.

And last but not least…

I can't make it stop

Miles Austin. Just because I said so.

And P.S. Thank you to all the KSK readers who have been popping over the last few days. My traffic has doubled because of you guys. It took me awhile to actually comment over there, but I figured I think just as dirty and about football as much as you fools, so what the hell.

It’s all over the blogosphere today that the NFL announced they’re presenting next week’s Raiders-Chargers (lame) game in LIVE 3-D at a handful of locations in major markets. It’s just an invitation only test, not open to the public (and not even being shown in either team’s market…stupid).

It’s KILLING ME to not be able to say everything I want to say about this. My company is a major player in this new technology. We don’t have anything to do with the NFL test. We have the exclusive proper technology to distribute LIVE 3-D in movie theatres, we’re installing 50 units as we speak. The NFL is doing this through, in full disclosure, our competition in the world of digital cinema implementation. Although, we’re way ahead of them at this point, I wish them the best. I have no idea how it will turn out, but am looking forward to hearing about it nonetheless. I am glad this is happening, because it will hopefully speed up the negotiations and announcements for the two major projects we are working on for January and February.

I’ve read the posts and comments on Shutdown Corner and Kissing Suzy Kolber today and it’s driving me insane. KSK’s take on it cracked me up…per usual. To the naysayers, don’t knock it until you try it, boys. Live 3-D isn’t as cheesy or ridiculous as your brains are making it out to be. It’s wickedly amazing. We tested it at an industry convention/trade show in October and were totally the hot girls at the party. Everyone wanted a piece.

Not everyone will geek out as much as me over this. This is the best of both of my worlds colliding. I’ve worked in theatrical exhibition and/or distribution for over 12 years now and was born and raised a sports fan, so for me to be able to work on putting sports in such an exclusive format in movie theatres is causing me to have a total fangasm.

No one said you have to get your fat ass off your couch and leave your 50-inch HDTV for your local movie theatre on Sundays, you can still suffer through Joe Buck and Troy Aikman all by your lonesome…but for those who, I don’t know, like to try new things and want the at-the-game experience (if not better!) for much less than at-the-game prices, it’s almost here.

Pac is back. Uncle Jerry can’t seem to get anyone to attend his Welcome Home Adam Party, rightfully so. History and a good dose of common sense tell me Pac accomplished not a damn thing in rehab. But in the spirit of being optimistic, one can hope if he didn’t learn that he’s a dick, he at least re-learned how to return the freaking ball. Something the Cowboys don’t know how or refuse to do. Jury is out on that one.

Since there is nothing we can do about this, we can at least laugh (at ourselves). Big Daddy Drew at Kissing Suzy Kolber will make you pee your pants here, OH HELLZ YEZ.

What makes this situation, this season, even more ridiculous is we were due to get Felix Jones back, right? No, apparently we lose at fandom for thinking that. He’s out for the season because he has to have surgery on a toe ligament (yes, I said toe) that he injured while rehabbing his previous injury. I don’t even know what to say to that. I’m glad MB3 got the coverage he needed to last week to be able to run again. And I’m glad our third string RB is much more pleasant to watch play as opposed to, you know, our third string QB.

Bitch bitch bitch. And I haven’t even said anything about Miles Austin being hurt. (I had to insert a reference at some point, because for weeks I was the featured blog for the Miles Austin tag on WordPress…WHADDUP).

I watched the Skins game back home in Dallas. That was intriguing, being in a bar where all the people are cheering for the same team (except for this one fool, but he got shut the f*ck up). And not having to worry about some drunken idiot picking on me because he thinks I don’t know what I’m talking about since my Cowboys cap is pink, he hates Dallas and/or the majority of the girls at LA sports bars on Sundays are there to continue the whoring from the night before. (Good grief, I’m in a mood today).

I am going to blame my foulness on Lee Evans. Thanks to stellar performances from several of my key players this week, I was down a mere .13 points going into MNF. Not 13 points, not 1.3 points…down .13 points. That ass hole had to make ONE 20-YARD CATCH. That’s it. No touchdowns, no 90-yard sprints. Just a simple catch or hell, two, if the first wasn’t long enough (that’s what she said). He’s had a good season, gotten me plenty of points. The win was in the bag. BUT NO. I flew back to LA Monday night and crashed as soon as I got home, forgetting and the game was over. Tuesday morning comes around, I log on, see Lee Evans with a 0.00 next to his name and think “no that can’t be right….is he hurt…did he die?…is it still Monday?…GOD WHAT DID I DO?” So I click on his notes and Yahoo tells me “Evans failed to catch a pass in Monday’s loss to the Browns.” And I swear at one point it read “so suck it, Nikki Lee” afterward. But since has disappeared.

This post? Kinda pointless. I just wanted to talk football since it’s been Stalking Hockey Players 101 for awhile. Still love the Cowboys, still have hope. Still hate the Eagles. Still waiting for the Giants to bust one of their overrated seams.

P.S. I wish I was joking when I say someone got to this blog by searching for “chris collinsworth nude”. There are some sick individuals in this world, yo.