I actually kinda hate Florida

Cheers from sunny Orlando, Readers. I’m here for our industry’s second largest convention, basically we spend a week drinking, sucking up (or “schmoozing”, if you will) and watching movies. Good times. I was going to partake of Disney’s Animal Kingdom today. However, after being up for close to 36 hours -  naps on planes do not count as actually human sleep – I ended up in bed till Noon. Spent two hours (TWO HOURS!) in the gym, then enjoyed college football (poor Minnesota), lunch and reading poolside. This ONE day is as close to a vacation as I’m getting until sometime next year…if I’m lucky. I am going to Vegas in less than two weeks, that’s not vacation, drunken debauchery is a full-time job. Which I take seriously, thankyouverymuch. Tonight will be baseball and some Longhorn football in the hotel sports bar (which is quite nice) or a trip to Tampa for the Lightning/Sabres game. We shall see.

I'm a fan of the malfeasance fantasy football league

Anyhow, please don’t misconstrue this as blatant ass kissing, but I believe Kissing Suzy Kolber is one of the most badassest football blogs on the webternet. If you disagree with me you’re a humorless moron or Communist. Take your pick. I can appreciate a hot lady and dick jokes just as much as most. It comes with being an obsesser of football. Much like the acquired taste for beer I picked up about two years ago. Co-founder Michael Tunison penned a novel,  “The Football Fan’s Manifesto“. And if you fancy yourself a die-hard fan of all things gridiron and actually, you know, READ…books, not just blogs/stats/bullshit on the internet, you should pick it up toute suite. Actually, even if that is all you read you should pick it up. Cause it kinda makes fun of you. Thought you should know that.

I laughed many a times while reading this book, enough to make fellow morning gym rats question my mental stability. But they frighten me for different reasons, so I’m okay with that. Tunsion breaks down every single aspect of being a one-track minded football fan. I never thought I’d find myself reading a thought-out analysis of the various forms of high-fives. But that happened. I would say his pokes at Cowboys fans tarnished my amusement, but 1. he’s right and 2. I’m used to it.

Highlights for me were his ground rules for female fans (his anti-pink jersey stance that I totally effing agree with and already discussed here), the “Letter to Brian Westbrook Regarding His Questionable Playing Status for Sunday”, the detailed hatred for bandwagon fans and the consistent and accurate profiling of Eagles fans and their evilness.  Thus, I leave you with my favorite passage:

There are some stadia, stadia located in certain cities in the southeast corner of Pennsylvania, where it is unadvisable to root for the visiting team. Not that it’s necessarily bad form, but because you’ll be left for dead in a portable toilet and rolled down a hill.

It’s funny because it’s true. Not that I have or will ever try to find out for certain. I like taking risks, but I’m not retarded. I would have to lose a bet to the Devil himself to even think about going to a game in Philly. And I’ve been told even if I wore not a single thread of silver or blue, my “Cowboys accent” would give me away.

Today was a very sad day, Readers. I don’t care so much that I lost my second fantasy football game of the season, nor that it was the second loss in a row…I care that it was to RAY. You don’t know Ray. But all you need to know is I really, REALLY hate losing to him. And I am cursed when it comes to playing him. That fool could go 0-5, then we would play and he’d beat me. It’s redonkulous.

This is my fourth year of fantasy football. I’ve never sucked. The closest I’ve gotten to the Super Bowl is Third Place and that was my very first year. It never fails I start out the season amazingly. This season and last I’ve been one of the last two teams left undefeated. I get a little wishy washy mid-season, but I’ve always made the playoffs (thankyouverymuch). Last year, you probs could’ve guessed this, I played RAY in the first round and LOST. Whatever. Anyhow, backing up…aside from the PS3 and the desktop computer, I lost my first fantasy football league in The Wretched Split of 2008. So be it, right? Sweet, sweet freedom and a life with one less douchebag was worth the loss. Ray and our friend Eric made me a home in their long-time league. I’ve been the only girl both seasons. So that means there’s even more at stake, therefore, I’ve taken it MUCH more seriously. Ray is a hoss when it comes to fantasy sports. So even though I’ve never failed to make the playoffs, always field a decent team, etc…there’s this whole legitimization that will come with beating him.

And I WILL do it. If I had just taken out Sproles’s kneecaps in the past week we wouldn’t be having this conversation. NOR would we if Ray hadn’t beat me to taking Cribbs in the draft for the second year in a row. Bloody hell. See you in the playoffs, biotch.

So I spent the evening focusing on the positive: the rest of the NFC East getting their asses kicked while the Cowboys and us fans sat back and relaxed this weekend and drowned my sorrows of the Stars, the Dodgers AND me losing in a glass of red Two Buck Chuck and the first bubble bath I’ve taken in…years? Ladies, might I suggest the Bathos Bubble Bar from Lush.

SEE?!…I’m a real girl, too!

Pink jerseys make the baby jesus sad

Ladies, lose the pink jerseys…unless you’re 12. Then it’s somewhat acceptable (unless you’re my imaginary future child). I’m down with the pink accessories, I have both pink Cowboys and Longhorns caps. I approve because those caps better coordinate with the majority of my wardrobe. And to be honest, while digging around for this post, I found a pink and white striped Cowboys scarf that I like and proceeds (as with a lot of pink product right now) goes to breast cancer funds. THAT is most acceptable and I applaud the efforts of the NFL.

However, the jersey is sacred. You wouldn’t wake up on Fourth of July and wave a pink and white striped American flag NOW WOULD YOU? You think you’re being cute. It’s just annoying. (See: Jessica Simpson, 2007). Michael Tunison from KSK, author of “The Football Fan’s Manifesto“, which I’m reading right now, agrees with me and even suggests dudes avoid the intra-fandom dalliance with girls sporting pink jerseys. Why? Because you look like a moron. Just saying. Not that you’d really want to hook up with one of the fratdouches you meet at sports bars, but let’s not limit options or ruin chances. It’s called preparedness.

Not only that, but also there are quite a few ladies – myself included – who spend a great deal of effort trying to be taken seriously as legitimate football fans. These blasted pink jerseys aren’t helping the cause. If I touched a pink jersey it would negate the four seasons of serious fantasy football I’ve put in.

I’m not retarded, I’m fully aware this was yet another ploy by the money grubbing NFL to add to their jillions of dollars. And unfortunately for all of us, it worked. Hockey tried it for a while…but much like anything hockey does, it failed. But that’s mainly because Gary Bettman is made from the seeds of epic fail. Anyhow, have you ever taken a look a the variety of officially licensed shit there is out there for your team o’ choice? Like seriously taken a look. Because I have. I swear to god I saw a Cowboys onion chopper at a Texas gift store in Grapevine Mills one time. Good luck getting it to produce positive results after Thanksgiving. (Ha! GET IT?!)

I had to share some of the ubershit (and of course commentary about said ubershit) I found online last night while shopping for a normal Cowboys sweatshirt. This craptacular crap is from both the NFL Shop and the official Cowboys shop.

..Continue reading..

I am supposed to be on my way to Disneyland right now, but am fully aware of the hits my blog will be taking over the next 24 hours. Miles Austin and my longtime fixation with him have always driven a good 75%-80% of CLSL traffic. I HAPPILY welcome all my newbies and hope you come back for more…and more. Me taking a few seconds to post a quick update was a MUST. Cause Readers, I’ve known for awhile this day was coming and have been waiting somewhat patiently (sometimes annoyingly so…) for it to get here. Today’s game isn’t really a win the Cowboys or fans, as a whole, can be proud of. However, Miles Austin certainly can. He saved our asses. And there will be mutiny in Dallas if he’s not the starter now.

It’s funny, I’ve had my jersey for almost a year and now they’re going to be popping up all over Dallas like blondes with fake boobs. But it’s safe to say no fan in all of Texas received as many texts, tweets, Facebook comments and messages after today’s game as I did. I feel like I won the thing myself, CRACKS ME UP. And to be honest, I’d be drowning in fantasy right now (I’m undefeated thus far this season) if it wasn’t for the 39.4 points he got me.

However, having said all of this, if he fumbles four times and trips over his own feet in two weeks I will still be a fan. I don’t do bandwagon.

Cheers. Now I gotta go get my Mickey on.

[EDIT] Disneyland was a clusterf*ck. Skipped it, had dinner and drinks and cried through Bright Star. Came home, watching the Stars game (damn the OTs today!!!) and have replayed this six times…

Also: Post-game interview from DallasCowboys.com

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome back

Readers, I wish you all a very happy and healthy NFL Kickoff Day and 2009 Season! This is going to be a very intriguing season for many teams (mine most certainly included) and I am totally stoked. If we learned anything from last season, no one can predict how this will end. Despite the fact it feels like just last weekend I was frosting yellow and red cupcakes for the Super Bowl, this off season has felt painfully and tragically long for Cowboys fans. After our QB getting his head stuck in his ass again, the locker room imploding, the entire team losing their damn minds in Philly, missing the playoffs all together and all the other utter bullshit, we’ve been awarded with a peaceful, sedated training camp and pre-season. Calm before the storm, perhaps? I know I’ve got my umbrella ready.

I have no probs admitting that many Cowboys fans tend to epitomize all that is wrong with Americans. I like to call it egotistical ignorance. Unfortunately, the arrogance is inherent since the majority of us were  born and raised in the country known as Texas. Thus bred with the grid iron as religion, blue and silver blood and a holier than thou attitude towards all things football. I have my moments, trust me. But I also know that 1996 was a LONG time ago and the last two years have been absolute disasters. We have an unproven receiving core and our head coach is a pussy. We will only go as far as our QB will take us, should he choose to finally step up and grow some balls. Howev, FEW teams (if any) can compare to our RB lineup. And we have what are arguably the best tight end and defenseman in the league. But individual stars does not a winning team make. My fingers are crossed, but I’m not holding my breath. I’ve had many a palm to forehead moments whilst seeing fan predictions of anything above 10-6. I’m not being pessimistic or a negative netty…just trying to be, I don’t know, realistic? Lord knows I hope they prove me wrong. But I seriously have higher expectations for my fantasy team. (I’m talking to YOU, Maurice Jones-Drew).

No matter how this season (or the next) may end, I will always take pride in being a born Cowboys fan. My future children, should they ever exist, will be able to choose their religions, politics and professions, but god forbid any one of them come home in a Giants jersey. I will ESPLODE.

Fantasy draft in 14 hours! My shit’s all in order just in case I’m only half coherent in the morning. I’m nervous though…I told someone today it’s like the first day of school, you just want to get there, get it over with and find out who is your damn class. You’re all please don’t let me be stuck next to guy who smells like baked beans all year. You know what I mean, Vern? Anyhow, I’m not sure which I want more: to win my league (finally) or to beat my friend Ray.  I’m gonna be greed city and go with both.

Obviously I visit loads of sports sites on a daily (hourly?) basis. I only comment on a few sites/forums just because I’m too lazy to get into it with people. I rarely have patience for morons, which is odd because I comment at KSK the most.  I find that talking about sports, especially football, ranks up there with religion and politics. The only difference for me personally is I can keep my mouth shut when it comes to the last two. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t try to keep up on current affairs and am open-minded about other choices and opinions that differ from my own. And I believe, if you fancy yourself a true fan or connoisseur of a sport, you should attempt to do the same.

I won’t go into specifics, but the other day someone on a Cowboys “forum” I frequent posted an update about Brett Favre’s inability to gel in the Vikings locker room. I read it, thought it was interesting (but didn’t really find it surprising, nor should anyone). Someone responded along the lines of he didn’t care about Favre or the Vikings, he only cared about the Cowboys. My first response was “crimeny, what a typical American ass-hole.” A bit of an unfair statement? Perhaps. A little true? Seriously. That’s a minor example of why Cowboys fans have such a bad rep.

I’m not saying you should be interested in every single team in the league and know every player’s dog’s name. Just saying you should probably look around. Playing fantasy you obviously HAVE to. However, being up-to-speed on what’s going on in the league, your conference and DEFINITELY your division doesn’t hurt. You don’t who you could face in the playoffs, the conference championship or the Super Bowl. No matter how asinine it is, the Vikings are picked to get far this year, if not all the way (lame), by a lot of talking heads; they’re in the NFC and we play them the last pre-season game. So in a lot of ways, it does have to do with the Cowboys. Maybe I’m just being a nerd, I don’t know. OR maybe I don’t like sounding like a retard.

I have to admit though, as open-minded as I am about religions and politics, some things I won’t budge on…like my opinion (the FACT!) that all Eagles fans are dicks.

So CLSL is official. The beginning of our new layout is up and running. It’s far from finished, but we’ll get there. I absolutely love it so far. Anyhow…let’s talk pre-season.

There are those who don’t give two thoughts about pre-season and have no patience for it, those who follow it lightly…then there are those, like me, who think it’s one of the best times of a season. September was the most important month of my life in high school and most of college due to hockey pre-season. I skipped the occassional morning class in college for training camp and arranged my work schedule around pre-season games. That’s about as rebellious as I got until I started drinking. And trust me, there was a good reason why my hockey player stalking days were well before my drinking days.

For me and hockey, training camp meant the young guys were in town. But once they started getting younger than me, that just got a little creepy! (So says the girl who previously stated she’s waiting for Taylor Lautner to turn 18…) For any sport though, it’s predominantly a very exciting part of the season. It’s the one time a year that every player on the field is working his ass off for something: getting over that previous season ending injury, dusting off the off-season cobwebs, moving up a spot, grabbing a position on the starting line-up, landing a new or bigger contract or most importantly, just making the team. The possibilities are endless…I mean who would’ve thought this time last year the Cardinals would’ve ended their season in the Super Bowl? During pre-season everything is still bright and shiny. It’s after Thanksgiving when things start getting dark, fuzzy and depressing once you realize your QB is going to go stupid on you yet again.

Although pre-season is indeed the epitome of possibility, it’s pretty ridiculous to leverage a season worth of potential on ONE DROPPED PASS. Or, perhaps, a pass that couldn’t even be caught? John Kitna sent a soaring pass clear over Miles Austin’s head last Friday against the Titans. Romo did the same thing against the Raiders. A couple of days later I searched Miles’s name on Twitter. Huge mistake. People are morons. Shortly after someone properly reported Kitna overthrowing the pass to Austin, several idiots tweeted comments like “Austin you had your chance, you’re out”. Wait, seriously? The man has has a 43″ vertical, yes, but where exactly was he supposed to catch that pass? Two rows up in the stands? Everyone fancies themselves a head coach right now and it’s grating. I’m not retarded, I know Crayton more than likely has a hold on the 2nd spot. But he’s YET to prove he can consistently hold on to the ball. None of us have seen every hour of training camp. And it’s damn ridiculous for anyone, especially a knowledgeable, professional journalist to judge his long-term capability on having three chances, including the two that were overthrown, in two games. For example, from the JJT over at the DMN:

Miles Austin has been OK, but hasn’t showed he can be a legitimate speed threat.

First of all, we already know he’s fast. Second of all, it would be kinda ludicrous for him to blaze a flipping trail down the field WITHOUT THE BALL. Just saying. At least MILES agrees with me:

But Austin isn’t worried about his lack of preseason production. He’s still confident that he’ll play a significant role in the passing game this season.

“I’d rather do it in the season when it really counts and matters,” said Austin, who split time with Sam Hurd in three-receiver sets against the Titans. “I’m making sure I’m at my spot, making sure I’m at my depth and trying to get open. If they throw me that ball, that’s fine. If they don’t, as long as we’re winning …”

And YES…I’m completely biased. I’m not ashamed. (Have I mentioned at least 80% of my visitors are searching Miles Austin?)

BTW, fantasy draft is now this weekend. And I have a birthday party in Hollywood to go to the night before. Rules were meant to be broken I suppose.

Texas brews its beer just as good as its women. Yeah, that's me in UT orange with a Shiner at a 105-degree party. It's like I never left TX.

Drinking is a funny thing. I realized tonight whilst trying to decide upon a cocktail at dinner that I don’t think I’ve touched (or even sniffed) tequila in over two months. By all means, correct me if I’m wrong…it happens on occasion. Also, if you’ve not visited Texts From Last Night, I HIGHLY suggest you do so (after you finish reading this). It’s chalk full of drunk little ditties. Howev, this is absolutely priceless:

“If it’s vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and f*ckable.”

I think tequila and I are on a trial separation. The first fallout I had with alcohol was with red wine after my company Christmas party in 2002. However, looking back it really wasn’t the wine’s fault that I hadn’t eaten all day. That was a knockdown drag out, ass-kicking, physical sort of fight. Death would’ve been better the next day than having to put on a happy face and go to my then boyfriend’s parents’ house and pretend I was a-okay. It took me two years to even smell red wine without wanting to hurl. True story. This fallout with tequila is different, it’s emotional. That’s even worse. But I believe in second chances in most cases, therefore, I have a blind date with what’s supposed to be the best Orange County margarita Saturday after next. We’ll see how it goes. I’m optimistic and will be packing an overnight bag, just in case things go well. *wink*

I’m a firm believer that alcohol and sports are just as much soul mates as chocolate and peanut butter. Or me and Taylor Lautner will be when he’s legal. Seriously, he’s a huge football fan and, AND!!! I even read he’s a Longhorn fan. Hook ‘em.

Anyway, I digress. So my fantasy football draft is the same day as my margarita date. THANKFULLY the draft is hours before things could potentially get messy. Because I have one rule this year: thou shall not be drunk (or still drunk) during thy draft. Last summer was a very messy time for me, I did a LOT of drinking in general, but the night before the draft I hit the WeHo bars pretty hard. Happy hour at 6 p.m. turned into me standing up mid-cocktail around 1 a.m yelling “O.M.G. I have to go, my fantasy football draft is in six hours.”  Trust me, THOSE words have never been yelled in West Hollywood before (or since). Although I had my research done and picks sorted weeks prior to the draft, I was not in good shape otherwise. My league runs on Central time. I, obviously, do not. I had to be online at 6:45 a.m. I slept through my first alarm, woke up around 6:55 a.m. and ran circles around my apartment trying to find my laptop (naturally I forgot I’d actually plugged it in by the bed the day before). I got online, tried to focus and make sure everything was in order and answered my friend Eric’s countless text messages with yes, I promise I was alive…but was pretty sure I was still drunk.

It's a strip club, man! I'm here to work!

I had it all under control until about the time we hit the third round. Oh no, what happened then you ask? I totally started puking between picks. Although that wasn’t exactly ladylike, did I ever miss a pick? No, of course not. I’m a firm believer in puke and rally. Billy Bob would’ve been proud.

P.S. The Cowboys, albeit mostly the fifth string they picked up off the street, will be on my TV Thursday night. Word.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving in the United States of America, which for me has forever meant lots of food and football. Apparently now it also means having a wicked hangover and praying death wouldn’t officially take me until the Cowboys game was over. Only the Lions were more miserable. Having actually survived, I decided it was time for me to write Things I’m Grateful For: The Football Version.

Tony Romo’s healed pinkie finger. Or at least that he decided to stop being a pussy about it. Looking ahead…Dear Santa, we need a better back-up QB.

My fantasy team. As mentioned in a previous post, I’m the only girl in a league of 16 teams. I’ve bounced back and forth between 2nd and 3rd place all year, currently in 3rd with a playoff spot secured. Taking a chance on Rodgers paid off, drafting Palmer did not. Picking up Slaton was my best move, but I should’ve had a better defense. Anyhow, I shall be even more grateful should I kick Ray’s ass this weekend.

The guy who proposed to me on KSK.

@Nikki

Okay let me get this straight. You live in California, root for the Cowboys and have a passionate hatred for the Eagles.

Will you marry me?

Speaking of which…

Sitting on top of the Eagles in the division. It feels so good. I hope we kick them while they’re down come Dec. 28. What I’m not grateful for? Having to root for the Giants to win this week against the Redskins. That doesn’t feel good at all, makes me feel dirty (not in a good way). But it’s a necessary evil, because come the end of the year it won’t matter who we’re on top of without a wild card spot. I’m not retarded.

My 2008 training camp shirt

What this season has meant to me. Not to get all sappy, but this season has been a blast so far…despite Brad Johnson and those atrocious three weeks. Training camp in Oxnard, discovering the Cowboys group here in LA, fantasy season, hanging out at the sports bars on Sundays, starting this blog…next to my friends, football season has been a saving grace in an otherwise extremely shitty year. And yesterday was the first major holiday I’ve spent with absolutely no biological family, but the Cowboys were still on my TV…that’s a little piece of home for me. Thank you, Tex Schram.

And last but not least…

I can't make it stop

Miles Austin. Just because I said so.

And P.S. Thank you to all the KSK readers who have been popping over the last few days. My traffic has doubled because of you guys. It took me awhile to actually comment over there, but I figured I think just as dirty and about football as much as you fools, so what the hell.

Pac is back. Uncle Jerry can’t seem to get anyone to attend his Welcome Home Adam Party, rightfully so. History and a good dose of common sense tell me Pac accomplished not a damn thing in rehab. But in the spirit of being optimistic, one can hope if he didn’t learn that he’s a dick, he at least re-learned how to return the freaking ball. Something the Cowboys don’t know how or refuse to do. Jury is out on that one.

Since there is nothing we can do about this, we can at least laugh (at ourselves). Big Daddy Drew at Kissing Suzy Kolber will make you pee your pants here, OH HELLZ YEZ.

What makes this situation, this season, even more ridiculous is we were due to get Felix Jones back, right? No, apparently we lose at fandom for thinking that. He’s out for the season because he has to have surgery on a toe ligament (yes, I said toe) that he injured while rehabbing his previous injury. I don’t even know what to say to that. I’m glad MB3 got the coverage he needed to last week to be able to run again. And I’m glad our third string RB is much more pleasant to watch play as opposed to, you know, our third string QB.

Bitch bitch bitch. And I haven’t even said anything about Miles Austin being hurt. (I had to insert a reference at some point, because for weeks I was the featured blog for the Miles Austin tag on WordPress…WHADDUP).

I watched the Skins game back home in Dallas. That was intriguing, being in a bar where all the people are cheering for the same team (except for this one fool, but he got shut the f*ck up). And not having to worry about some drunken idiot picking on me because he thinks I don’t know what I’m talking about since my Cowboys cap is pink, he hates Dallas and/or the majority of the girls at LA sports bars on Sundays are there to continue the whoring from the night before. (Good grief, I’m in a mood today).

I am going to blame my foulness on Lee Evans. Thanks to stellar performances from several of my key players this week, I was down a mere .13 points going into MNF. Not 13 points, not 1.3 points…down .13 points. That ass hole had to make ONE 20-YARD CATCH. That’s it. No touchdowns, no 90-yard sprints. Just a simple catch or hell, two, if the first wasn’t long enough (that’s what she said). He’s had a good season, gotten me plenty of points. The win was in the bag. BUT NO. I flew back to LA Monday night and crashed as soon as I got home, forgetting and the game was over. Tuesday morning comes around, I log on, see Lee Evans with a 0.00 next to his name and think “no that can’t be right….is he hurt…did he die?…is it still Monday?…GOD WHAT DID I DO?” So I click on his notes and Yahoo tells me “Evans failed to catch a pass in Monday’s loss to the Browns.” And I swear at one point it read “so suck it, Nikki Lee” afterward. But since has disappeared.

This post? Kinda pointless. I just wanted to talk football since it’s been Stalking Hockey Players 101 for awhile. Still love the Cowboys, still have hope. Still hate the Eagles. Still waiting for the Giants to bust one of their overrated seams.

P.S. I wish I was joking when I say someone got to this blog by searching for “chris collinsworth nude”. There are some sick individuals in this world, yo.