It’s been a very, VERY busy time at CLSL the last 12 days. And I have you to thank for that, Readers. Well, mostly Miles Austin and all the crazyspices searching for information about his personal life or pictures of him nekkid. But you, too. In those 12 days my hits have been into the multitudes of thousands, numbers I’d reached all together in the MONTHS leading up to the switch to the official domain. Months, not days. It’s pretty bad ass. Because of that I made a few changes. I fancified the header, having Photoshop back in my life has its advantages. Thanks, again, to the quote from LittleMoe. Anyone who uses Varsity Blues to compliment a person is aces in my book. I re-did the about me section and added an FAQ page. Did I make most of the questions up? Absolutely. However, I just KNOW that people actually think them.

It’s search term share time again. As always, I’ve got some doozies. The stuff you people look for on the interwebs is astounding. But entertaining nonetheless. Especially since it somehow leads you here. I’ll take what I can get.

1. “[insert several athletes names here] nude.” Next to general searches for Miles Austin and Jamie Langenbrunner, pervs looking for nekkid athletes is at the top of the list of what leads people here. I hate to disappoint them ALL, but there’s nothing here about any nude players. That’s better left for the imagination.

…wait, what were we talking about?

2. “lady giants patron.” I don’t even know what this means. And it’s generated several hits. Am I missing out on something? Is this some new hip cocktail the kids are drinking?

3. “me at the bengals game.” I’m dead serious. Someone typed that in. I know how it led them here, but still, it’s hilarious. What goes through someone’s head when they search for that? Let me do some googling to find out if there’s anything about me being at a pro football game. Cause I’m kind of a big deal.

Not really. But welcome!

4. “matt niskanen lost myself lyric.” Hmmm…a Niskanen original recording? “matt niskanen dating”. I wouldn’t call what young hockey players do dating. “real men wear pink niskanen ad campaign.” A hockey player, recording artist AND model…apparently.

5. “tony romo gay caught with marion barber”. SERIOUSLY? Whoever you are, I’m glad you have the internet to hide behind. Barber will cut you.

6. “miles austin eye color.” They’re a color I like to call GORGEOUS. (Too much?)

7. “character traits of Donovan McNabb.” Is mentally unstable a character trait? How about insecurity? Jackassery? I’ll stop.

8. “ed hochuli penis.” I can’t make this up. Cause WHY would I make that up?

9. “crazy lil sports lady.” True story! And that’s me! *waves*

10. “taylor lautner longhorn.” HA! My plan, it’s working…

The downside of talking about Taylor is the sudden appearance spam comments linking to naked pictures of Miley Cyrus and Kim Kardashian. Since THOSE are applicable to this blog. Well, apparently anyone naked is. Good times.

So both of my teams suck right now. It hurts bad. So bad. Please note that I know I’m spoiled. Luckily, the Stars had five days off (and beat beat those nasty birds down at The Pond last night, which is good because it was their first game within the division) and the Cowboys are on a much needed bye this weekend (and I will be on a much needed No Sports Bars on Sunday break). I do hope all players get rested, recovered, refreshed, laid, drunk, fixed…whatever it takes to get MY LIFE back on track. Because, after all, this is about me.

The schedule tells me the Giants and Eagles play this weekend. Whoever wins, I lose. Sigh.

Me and Cathalee

In the spirit of being optimistic and remembering the somewhat good times, I am finally posting pictures of the Cowboys/Bengals game I went to while in Dallas last month. My last game in Texas Stadium. And although it should’ve been a blowout (and wasn’t), was the second game where things started looking…off and I was exhausted as hell from two nights of drinking my way through my high school reunion, it was WONDERFUL. Remember the last TD where the ball went through my boyfriend’s Miles Austin’s hands right into Patrick Crayton’s in the end zone? That was our corner, I was right above it. It was AMAZING. The Bengals fan behind me goes “you’ve got to be f*cking kidding me.” I told my friend Eric this over text, to which he responds “turn around and go ‘you know this is Texas Stadium, right? The hole in the ceiling? So God can watch .’”

And so humble, too.

Thoughts about the Texas Stadium crowd: I didn’t know so much white trash was allowed to convene in one place; the best taunt goes to the dude in front of us who kept yelling out “a Bengal tiger is a gay tiger”; and the best pick-up line goes to the rather drunk fella (seriously, he was falling asleep sitting up, halfway through the 3rd quarter) sitting on the other side of my friend Cathalee, who told her her glasses were hot and made her look “specstual”. Can’t make that up, kids.

Cathalee’s camera pretty much rules, by the way. Some of these pictures look like I could reach out and slap Romo. Which, lately…

Anyway, enjoy. And P.S. I hate you NFL Network. Apparently you’re just too good for me and my cable. Bloody DirecTV, with its fancy NFL and NHL Networks and having the monopoly on Tim Riggins until January. Whatever.

P.P.S What is going on here? Greece is stealing basketball players (which reminds me, must follow basketball) and Russia is stealing hockey players? I’ve been trying to steal hockey players for years…glad someone figured it out.

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That’s how I feel about this week of football. If I don’t think about it, if I don’t talk about it (anymore)…the bastard didn’t happen. Leaving the Cowboys watching party on Sunday, I walked aimlessly down Third Street Promenade like a child who just found out the Tooth Fairy didn’t exist. Yes, she left shiny goodies for three weeks…BUT SHE IS NO LONGER REAL. Deal with it, kid.

Yes it’s one game. Yes it’s only Week 4. Yes I wanted the Cowboys to drop a game early so there wasn’t anxiety and agitation building up week after week like last season. No, I didn’t expect them to go undefeated. But the REDSKINS? We dropped a divisional game? It’s extra stingy salt in a gaping wound. The mistakes they started making in the Packers game caught up with them big time Sunday afternoon. Romo has too many wobbly bits in his head; the defense needs SOME consistency (they looked wonderful early on…and what a season Jay Ratfliff is having! We’re friends on MySpace, me and J-Rat); and now someone needs to put our ground game on the back of a milk carton. Barber going 8 for 26 was a bitchslap to my soul on so many levels.

At least Miles Austin scored. You know I noticed.

And thank the Baby Jesus the Eagles lost right afterward. I had the privilege of watching them lose in the same establishment as some Eagles fans. It made my Fourth Football Sunday just a little bit less hopeless, seeing others in just as much pain…I’m sick, I know. Returning to drinking helped as well.

Seriously, at some point someone asked me via text message if the Packers won, I answered “I am too sad to know.” It could be worse, I could be a Raiders fan. I made the comment Sunday night I don’t even know how the Raiders HAVE fans. A guy I was with replied “well, Nickleback has fans…” Touché, my friend, touché.

However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have a sneaking suspicion this won’t happen again. We are still phenomenal, we are still the best team in the NFL. And if I wasn’t so eager to win, I might feel sorry for the Bengals. Chances are the Cowboys could run a wild and crazy mess all over them this weekend. But God forbid I jump to any conclusions at this point. Because this season has been all sorts of spooky. Shutdown Corner said it best:

“We’re roughly a quarter of the way through the NFL season, and it feels like I’m watching Lost. Things are happening, I foolishly think something’s being cleared up for me, and then wham, Benjamin Linus comes out of nowhere, he rides a polar bear into the end zone against the Broncos, and just like that, I’m back at square one.

…

Sitting down and watching a Sunday full of football is like a 10-hour long acid trip. You can’t tell what’s real and what isn’t.”

And I don’t even want to talk about T.O.’s mouth, as there are plenty of other sources, opinions, stories, posts, analysis, talk, bullshit, shenanigans and 100% grade-A crap going around about it. STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO IT AND IT WILL SHUT UP. Have we not learned this yet? And if *I* were him, I’d be much more worried about the quality of passes, not the quantity. The last time I checked 20 passes a game didn’t account for shiz if a high percentage of them are flying over your head. But what do I know, I’ve left Steve Slaton out of my line-up for two weeks.

In which I give my thoughts on the NFL season thus far, she’s a beauty. The Boys will get their own personal love letter later, you knew it was coming. Until then…

1. Let’s get our priorities straight and start off by saying I’m less than three points out of first place in my fantasy league. I understand we’re only going into week three, but I don’t give a rat’s ass. I’m the only girl in a league with 16 teams and I don’t like to play if I can’t win…so every week counts. Every point counts. (Which means I need a Come to Jesus with Fred Taylor and Wes Welker right now). I’d have a secure grip on first had I started Aaron Rodgers in week one. Who might I add, I took in in the 7th round, 105th overall because I knew homeboy had something to prove this season. Suck it, boys.

But no, I woke up on First Football Sunday thinking I needed to change my starting QB to Carson Palmer (quit laughing, ass holes). I now have a rule “No Damn Changes on Sunday”, only exceptions are for confirmed injuries or insider info. Now having said that, Palmer needs a good kick in the gonads. Maybe when the Bengals visit Dallas in a couple of weeks D-Ware can give him a rousing rendition of Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. Cause seriously, dude is having problems locating any body part or physical function applicable to the football field.

2. Speaking of heads, I’m worried about Vince Young. Every jerk has an opinion on this subject, but I have to say (and maybe this is the estrogen speaking), there is a serious concern here. It seems to me he has established mental issues outside of the pressure of being a starting QB in the NFL. And I hope to god his agent and coaches aren’t denying there’s a problem as much in private as they are publicly. I’ve become increasingly aware of how important mental health is lately and you can’t act a fool with it. If he needs help, PLEASE get the kid some help. Listen to his Mama, Mama knows best. And I encourage him to speak openly about it when/if he feels like it…he could be of service and an inspiration to many young people out there suffering in silence.

3. Speaking of, ahem, heads…I’m not so worried as I am laughing at Chris Cooley. Don’t blog in the nude, kids. And certainly don’t take pictures of playbooks on your lap while you’re blogging in the nude. But if you INSIST, take a good look at those pictures before posting. It’s not hard (pun not intended).

4. Payback is a 6-foot, 250 pound, lady bearded bitch. I just shake my head every time I think about The ACL Tear Heard Around the World. I admit I hold a lot of grudges, it’s not healthy…but I can produce a limited amount of sportsmanlike behavior on occasion and I never like to see a season ending injury happen to any athlete. Albeit a cocky bastard. But I feel like, in the grand scheme of things, this was the universe giving Bill Belichick a big, fat middle finger. And OH MY GOD if feels so good. Spank me again, spank me harder sort of good.

The hang up is I see Boston fans as New Money. And Dallas fans? We’re Old Money. And traditionally speaking Old Money turns up its nose at New Money (for you Dallasites, we’re HP…Boston is UP, you get what I mean). I just don’t like ‘em. I read on another blog that there was some little punk ass kid in Boston with a sign that read something akin to I’m 9 years-old and I’ve been to six [championship] parades. Know what? Tom Brady has that kid to thank for his couch potato status.

The only team in Boston I like is the Bruins. And I like that Boston all of the sudden remembered they had a hockey team once THEY MADE THE PLAYOFFS this year.

5. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Remember last year when Collinsworth and all the the commentators were geting hard-ons and making out with the AFC for their never to be outdone superiority? Ha. HA I say. Hope your bandwagons to the NFC didn’t hit too many red lights on the way.

6. Random thoughts. Arizona is 2-0? Really? And, um, I thought the Browns were going to be…decent? And if I was Ed Hochuli I’d retire…now. Of course I didn’t see it all go down myself. I have a tendency to fall asleep during games I don’t have any personal vested interest in (despite my love for the game…it’s the Chargers, ugh).

7. Last but not least…13 days until the return of Friday Night Lights. I’d leave the light on for Tim Riggins any night of the week.