Take this pink ribbon off my eyes

Pink jerseys make the baby jesus sad

Ladies, lose the pink jerseys…unless you’re 12. Then it’s somewhat acceptable (unless you’re my imaginary future child). I’m down with the pink accessories, I have both pink Cowboys and Longhorns caps. I approve because those caps better coordinate with the majority of my wardrobe. And to be honest, while digging around for this post, I found a pink and white striped Cowboys scarf that I like and proceeds (as with a lot of pink product right now) goes to breast cancer funds. THAT is most acceptable and I applaud the efforts of the NFL.

However, the jersey is sacred. You wouldn’t wake up on Fourth of July and wave a pink and white striped American flag NOW WOULD YOU? You think you’re being cute. It’s just annoying. (See: Jessica Simpson, 2007). Michael Tunison from KSK, author of “The Football Fan’s Manifesto“, which I’m reading right now, agrees with me and even suggests dudes avoid the intra-fandom dalliance with girls sporting pink jerseys. Why? Because you look like a moron. Just saying. Not that you’d really want to hook up with one of the fratdouches you meet at sports bars, but let’s not limit options or ruin chances. It’s called preparedness.

Not only that, but also there are quite a few ladies – myself included – who spend a great deal of effort trying to be taken seriously as legitimate football fans. These blasted pink jerseys aren’t helping the cause. If I touched a pink jersey it would negate the four seasons of serious fantasy football I’ve put in.

I’m not retarded, I’m fully aware this was yet another ploy by the money grubbing NFL to add to their jillions of dollars. And unfortunately for all of us, it worked. Hockey tried it for a while…but much like anything hockey does, it failed. But that’s mainly because Gary Bettman is made from the seeds of epic fail. Anyhow, have you ever taken a look a the variety of officially licensed shit there is out there for your team o’ choice? Like seriously taken a look. Because I have. I swear to god I saw a Cowboys onion chopper at a Texas gift store in Grapevine Mills one time. Good luck getting it to produce positive results after Thanksgiving. (Ha! GET IT?!)

I had to share some of the ubershit (and of course commentary about said ubershit) I found online last night while shopping for a normal Cowboys sweatshirt. This craptacular crap is from both the NFL Shop and the official Cowboys shop.

Yes, because when I think women empowerment I think pro football.

With all Victoria’s Secret PINK apparel, it’s fine to sleep in or lounge in but looks like trash on the street. I bet there’s a girl or two out there wearing this with Uggs. UGH.

Ed Hardy meets tacky football shirts. It’s like my worst nightmare. If Jon Gosselin was a Cowboys fan…well, you get it.

This is a purse. It costs $3K. There is a big-haired Highland Park grandmother made of old money with this sitting on her dresser, I’ll bet you five rhinestones. I hope she goes by Muffy.

Muffy owns this, too. She wears it tied around her neck and a white felt cowboy hat she has leftover from when she was on the drill team in high school.

Yes, they went there.

And last but not least…

I can’t make this stuff up.